The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

This list isn't movies I consider just bad because there are a few "bad" films that I still found extremely enjoyable to watch (i.e. The Room, Freddy Got Fingered, Birdemic, Manos: The Hands of Fate, etc.). To be on this list a movie has to be bad, have no redeeming qualities and leave a long-lasting "ugh"  or "never again" feeling. Basically, this is my movie shit list. Enjoy!

1. Nothing But Trouble - Words cannot describe the awfulness of this movie. I haven't seen in it over 20 years, though I did watch a few parts on youtube, and I can still sense it's slimy residue on my brain. It's the kind of movie that will scar you for life. I understand that it's supposed to be a "horror-comedy" but it's just horrible. The jokes are too uncomfortably gross or bizarre for me. For instance, Dan Aykroyd plays a disgusting, old judge and has a nose meant to look like a penis. John Candy plays his daughter. I hate this movie more than any other. Yeah...don't watch it.





1 (tied). Movie 43 - Most people would agree with me that this is one of the worst movies ever made. "Movie 43" and "Nothing But Trouble" are tied for THE worst movie I've ever seen and it's definitely the biggest Hollywood failure I've ever seen. What the hell where they thinking? I've never seen a movie this shitty with so many talented, good actors. It's filled with about a dozen painfully unfunny vignettes that feel like being hit over the head with a sledgehammer. Usually I love tasteless, off-color jokes but this was not one of those times. I'm a fan of "Freddy Got Fingered" so the fact that this terrible movie didn't make me laugh is sad. It was not even so-bad-it's-good...it was just plain bad. One critic called the movie, "the Citizen Kane of awful" and I concur.

2. Eyes Wide Shut - I saw this a while ago and what I remember most, other than the weird masked orgy scenes and ominous piano dirge, was the last scene in the film where Nicole Kidman's character tells Tom Cruise that there's still something that they need to do. He asks "what" and she responds nonchalantly, "fuck." I felt like I also wanted to say "fuck", like what the fuck was point of this drivel? I'll admit that I'm not a Kubrick fan but I have have tried. I've seen seen 5 of his movies (almost 6 but "Barry Lyndon" was way too boring and long for me to finish) and the only one I like is "The Shining." He's the type of director that you either love or hate and I'm in the latter camp. He has some really amazing visuals but his films don't appeal to me.

3. Showgirls - Paul Verhoeven is another director that I hate. I've seen 4 of his movies and they are all campy, lurid and over-the-top with excessive violence. Showgirls is an especially overblown film with lots of bad acting, horrible dialog, characters that you hate and weird, non-sexy sex scenes. For example, there's a pool sex scene where it looks like Elizabeth Berkley is having a seizure. It also contains probably the worst line I've ever heard in a movie where a guy tells the stripper protagonist, "It must be weird, not having anybody cum on you." There's also an infamous, though strangely funny, scene where to strippers talk about how they both love to eat dog food.

4. Something Wild - I barely remember what this was about except that I hated it. I don't understand why it's included in the Criterion Collection.

5. Blue Velvet / Mulholland Dr. - David Lynch might be my least favorite director of all time. He's managed time after time to make really awful movies filled with silly surreal aspects that critics eat up with a fork and knife. The beauty of putting a lot of weird shit, oops, I mean surrealism, in your movies is that the audience is so confused that they just assume the movie must be smart because they can't even understand what the hell is happening. I didn't even finish Mulholland Dr. because it became unbearably weird.

6. Brazil - This is another example of a move so weird that critics assume it's a genius work of art. I don't even know what to say about this mess, I mean movie. It's a dystopian satire? I dunno. Terry Gilliam is sorta like David Lynch in that he creates movies that exist in their own weird little, fucked up world. Incidentally, I remember getting into a car accident right after I finished watching this.

7. Moonrise Kingdom - Wes Anderson is another love him or hate him director. I think the term for that is "polarizing"? Anyway, this is supposed to be a cute love story between two, barely, teens but I found it really off-putting. This guys movies rely so much on colorful visuals to carry a paper thin plot, which is perfectly fine if you have really good, interesting characters but this unfortunately does not. There was something really childish and foppish about this movie. Anderson just seems like a self-absorbed hipster to me and it shows in his films. I've seen three other films he's made so I've tried giving him a chance but the only one I thought was somewhat decent was "The Grand Budapest Hotel" and even that started get to get stale by the end. Much like Terry Gilliam, his films exist in their own little stupid fantasy worlds where Bill Murray always magically shows up and has some really, really dry joke to tell you in his most stone-cold, dead-pan, fucking worn-out way. This movie has Ed Norton and Bruce Willis, two great actors, and they are completely wasted...much like my time watching this snoozefest.

8. There Will Be Blood - P.T. Anderson (haha, another Anderson) has made some of the best movies I've ever seen with "Boogie Nights" and "Punch-Drunk Love" but he has also made some of the worst. I didn't like "Magnolia" but at least it had some interesting ideas. This one is a complete waste of time. When the movie was over, much like Eyes Wide Shut, I felt like someone had robbed me of my time. Critics lost their shit over Daniel Day Lewis's acting but to me it was overacting with a really annoying John Huston-like way of speaking. Paul Dano annoyed the shit out of me too with his screaming and flailing. I was laughing at a lot of moments. I think the movie would have made a great, ironically funny, comedy. Really disappointing movie made by a director that has talent but now just makes junk.

9. Hot Tub Time Machine - This movie just sucked. It was a lot of potty humor written by lazy screenwriters who decided to make a time travel film to disguise the fact that the movie is juvenile and stupid. The "gross-out" genre, which was one of the worst ever created, died out years before this was made. Avoid it like the plague.